Steven Wrong

CC staffers at the Des Moines, IA office pick their favorite one – liners:

“All those who believe in psychokinesis – raise my hand.” – Steven Wright
“My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.” – Stewart Francis
“I think anyone who’s perfectly happy isn’t particularly funny.” – Joan Rivers
“I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.” – Steven Wright
“I had to stop drinking, cause I got tired of waking up in my car driving 90.” – Richard Pryor
“I don’t have pet peeves – I have major psychotic fucking hatreds!” – George Carlin
“When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other.” – Rita Rudner
“If we are what we eat, I’m fast, cheap and easy.” – Unknown
“I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.” – Rodney Dangerfield
“I went into a place to eat; it said ‘Breakfast Anytime’, so I ordered breakfast during the Renaissance.” – Steven Wright
“In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem.” – George Carlin
“Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.” – Unknown
“The liberals can understand everything but people who don’t understand them.” – Lenny Bruce
“I intend to live forever. So far, so good.” – Steven Wright
“May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.” – George Carlin
“Whatever you do always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood.” – Unknown
“Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That’s how rich I want to be.” – Rita Rudner
“Roman Polanski in college. He didn’t have a major. He only had minors.” – Joan Rivers
“Never laugh at your wife’s choices. You were one of them.” – Unknown
“For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier… I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.” – Steven Wright

And the best one liner of ALL…
“The mayfly lives only one day. And sometimes it rains.” – George Carlin

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.