So Nice, We’ve Done It Twice

Where do you live?  Where do you TRULY live inside your head?   Are you, really, the permanent, crotchety, fist shaking fixture of Pastburg, Pastsylvania, with occasional trips to Nowville, when and only when reality knocks, reeeaaally really loudly?  And if you’re living in Pastburg, is it a pleasant, happy, and fulfilling life, or gloomy, depressed, and impotent?

You’ve LEARNED to live here.  It’s taken a long, sustained time of negative, unproductive thinking to get you here.  Will you be able to call a moving truck and leave overnight?  No.  But results really are toot sweet, once you commit.  Re-learn and practice positive thinking and action.  It takes commitment to yourself. You CAN do it – stop the sabotaging, ‘heroin-like’ negative thoughts and consequences/havoc it wreaks in your life.

Stop being your own vandal, and LOOK at WHY you’re in the past so much.  Are you expecting something or, even worse someone, to change to suit YOUR NEEDS?  YOU MUST KNOW, UNDERSTAND, FEEL AND EVENTUALLY ACCEPT THAT IT AND/OR THEY NEVER WILL. (aka, The Five Stages of Grief)  You may get really lucky and have a person change to suit you, but this is like hitting the self absorbed lotto, and a huge sign that you need to graduate to, at least, a sixth grade emotional maturity level.  WHY would you want anyone to change for you, or worse, for your whims?

Generally, you know if you need to move on.  Deep down, you know that feeling you’re trying to suppress – that uncomfortable, anxious tension that tells you something’s not right in your general vicinity/ aural neighborhood.   The feeling you ALWAYS try to suppress, always ignore, always shush away, just to try and BELONG.  How’s that working out for you – AGAIN?  It’s time to do a Susan Powter – Just stop the insanity. It’s time to try something new, instead of doing the same thing over and over again, getting the same, undesirable result every time.  You won’t have a ‘life’ until then, you’ll just be reacting to others.

Still not convinced you need to move on?  Ruminate on some of….  Wait, don’t ruminate.  Here are just some scenarios to consider as they relate to your relationships and/or circumstance:

1. Someone’s negativity is rubbing off on you – Were you generally positive about life before this person, now all you want to do is spit in peoples faces?
2. You’ve grown apart from someone and the distance leads to continual misunderstandings and negation of your own needs. For further reading, see #12.
3. YOU LIVE IN THE PAST … A LOT. You’re kinda the honorary mayor of Pastburg.
4. You continually replay old hurts on the gramophone, and let grudges hassle you.
5. FEAR is holding you back, from everything, but especially the primal fear of being alone and not having anyone, no matter how badly they treat you.  But, did you really ‘have’ them in the first place, if you’re at this point of moving on?  Do you give up big parts of yourself to compromise (respect, dignity, etc) for something and/or someone that does not, and will never be, supportive?
6. You hope, pray and even expect that they will (eventually) change (back) – That the ‘next’ time will be different, you promise yourself. WHY would it be different?
7. THEY hope and even expect that YOU will change (back) – That YOU’VE come back to your senses and can now come back into the fold.
8. You ‘stay on,’ hoping THINGS will get better – What you’re really doing is WAITING for something to happen or for them to get better/change: It won’t.  See above, love.
9. ANY physical, emotional, or verbal abuse. Not sure what, exactly, abuse is?  You’re also going to be surprised at how much you’ve been…
10. Justifying the abusers actions to yourself. Using rationalization and/or pure speculation to justify someone’s abusive actions toward you is not rooted in reality.  YOU are making up excuses to continue the abuse because you refuse to see it for what it truly is – abuse.  This would mean that the person (or persons) that is SUPPOSED to love and care for us is hurting us -This is Cognitive Dissonance and part of life, l&g’s.   Try to look at the reality of the situation and/or relationship.  Though excruciating and painful at first, this realistic look can actually free, empower and call you to action.  Especially if…
11. They put forth little to no effort in the relationship – This is akin to #2. Crocodile tears can’t make up for lack of initiative, involvement or action in the pursuit or continued life of your relationship.  Do they ask questions about you?  If not, why not?  It might be time to let them go if, let’s say, the 5^th consecutive lunch, scheduled several weeks prior, is canceled, once AGAIN, but only after YOU confirm with them.  Oops! But they ‘forgot,’ and scheduled something else that is SLIGHTLY more important and urgent to their life than you, even though you both agreed and set the appointment together, enthusiastically.  Give yourself some respect and let them go.  Please try to see reality for what it is – see the actions, not the words, for what they are, and let the actions speak for themselves.  Action either affirms or negates the words spoken.  See what verbal checks are actually cashed.
    
12. Your goals and needs have changed – You may even have recently acquired goals, acknowledged your needs, and/or gained a modicum of self respect. This is good, no matter what someone else may tell you.
13. Living in Pastburg is preventing you from LEARNING ANYTHING NEW, and growing/advancing/developing in your life. We are here to EXPERIENCE.  People/things/situations etc., are always changing, whether you like them to or not.  Which way will you go?  Will you slide BACK, feeling life is taking forever, or GO FORWARD and experience something good for YOURSELF?  If something is not moving, changing, growing, it’s called static.  It actually takes WORK to be static as everything else is changing/evolving/growing.  You have SO MANY RESOURCES, literally at your fingertips and bombarding your eyes, that you basically have to put a bag over your head to block new, and potentially beneficial information, coming in to you.  Give yourself a FIGHTING chance for pity sake, and try something new.  You never know what good is around the corner.

Not content with just knowing some of the reasons WHY you should or need to move on?  Great, because we have a couple of suggestions on HOW to move on in part 3!