And…Thrice
Part Two of the Moving On series, took a look at some of the reasons and circumstances of WHY or WHEN to move on in life.
Now, part three of the Moving On Series, takes a look at some of the HOW’s of moving on…
Congratulations! You now know you need to move on!
This isn’t easy stuff though. You’re going to be uncomfortable and probably won’t want to see or feel any of it. Come back to it if you need to, but do yourself a favor and come back. No one’s life should be defined by their pain. Martyrdom doesn’t pay, or end up, very well.
The following steps are a jumping off point. Do your own research and become familiar with other ways and techniques that may serve YOU. Generally though, the first three on the list are almost always a prerequisite:
- Accept the truth – “Oh! OK!” Yeah, I know this is a lot easier said than done, especially when it’s a close relationship to you, but to know the reality and truth of a situation, see the action, not the word. Know and accept what the situation truly is and GO FROM THERE. No one says you have to go from zero to no contact over night either. Even the realization takes time to assimilate, so give yourself that time. It’s the end of something, as you know it, that you didn’t necessarily plan on or want to see change or end. This is where the Five Stages of Grief can help in the acceptance of and motivation to change an unhealthy situation. Take positive baby steps forward if you need to, but get to the truth of a situation to empower you and call you to action. It may be a punch in the gut, but it’s only temporary (watch the wallowing) especially in comparison to the regular pain, confusion, and even abuse you wish to leave .
- Make the decision to let it go – Make it YOUR decision, your conscious choice, and your course of action. COMMIT TO YOURSELF. Imagine that you’re signing a binding contract – so convoluted and confusing it would take decades of arbitration and centuries of litigation to undo – whose only term is to actively practice moving on with your life. Accept NO EXCUSES – If you renege, the consequences will harm NO ONE but yourself. Much like anger, you’re going to be the only one left holding that bag (of shit). Realize that YOU can exercise your personal power to stop living in the past, replaying/ruminating on your pain, and to move forward with your life, creating a positive, fulfilling and even exciting existence. It’s just one of the first steps to…
- Claim full control of your life and stop being Mr. or Ms. Victim Q. Sadsack. – Contrary to your popular belief, no one else is ACTUALLY responsible for you, and even more of a blow to the head, is that almost no one cares either. You have to know you are in full control of your life or you’re going to constantly be at the whim of others, who don’t have a life plan of their own, much less one for you. “But it’s nooooot my fault that she’s such a meanie to me,” you lament. WRONG! Wrong, I say! It’s ALWAYS your fault! YOU are the only one who can stop the insanity, the only one who can change, because in every moment you have that choice — to let go, move on, and feel good or to cling, cower, and feel like crap. Do something that is going to feel naughty – Start feeling good NOW. Take responsibility for your own happiness, and don’t put such power into the hands of another person. Caveat Emptor! You’re the only person who can make it happen for yourself – NO ONE ELSE CAN.
- Distance yourself for a while. – Sometimes stepping back from a situation lends clarity to it. Do something else or try something. Seeing things from a different perspective can help you to…
- Clear your baggage. This is an ongoing, stinky process, but like any ship, too many barnacles are never good. If you’re reading this, more than likely you’re a human with human feelings. Unless you have some medical condition in which you cannot feel emotion, you ARE a human with human needs, hopes, and feelings, whether you want to be at any given moment or not. Acknowledge the feelings you have, don’t bury them, and feel the emotions you need to feel – anger, hate, grief, shame, fear, disappointment, sadness, you name it. Whatever the emotion is, open up to it fully, feel it, understand where it came from, and then slowly release, and let it go. (See #1 and Five Stages of Grief.) If you don’t fully feel it you will never fully express it, and it WILL be something you deal with, or contain, again and again. Watch out, or you’ll be skipping along merrily one day and them BAM! Krakatoa when you least expect and want it! Do you really want ‘Anger,’ to be your name, ‘whinging,’ your native tongue, and ‘wretched,’ your destination? After you’re done doing all the feeling you can …
- Let’s Focus, People! What CAN you CHANGE? YOUR THINKING. RIGHT NOW. Focus on a positive, can do attitude – Solutions present themselves to seekers. Focus. Focus all your positive thoughts and energy like a laser beam into what you can change. But do realize that not everything in life can be, or is meant to be, changed just because you want it to be. If you can’t change something, try to change how you think about it, or you’re going to get more of the same negativity you don’t want. With a calm and clear head, review what solutions there are and GO FROM THERE. At the very least, try to remember that nothing lasts forever, which helps to…
- Focus on the NOW. – Don’t slip into ‘Melancholy Baby,’ every chance you get. Past performance does not predict future success, unless you think it does. You decided and committed to yourself to move forward, and the only way to do that is to focus on and in the present, where your change, and life, can happen. Make it a practice to notice what you’re thinking, and re-route it from past to present, if you need to. KNOW the cards you’ve been dealt, what you currently hold, and play the hand! Look at who you ARE and learn to love and accept it because whether you like it or not, you always come back to it. Do the old things you love, and find new ones – rejuvenate yourself. It’s Montage time!! Forget the past, eyes straight AHEAD, move forward, and create your future. When you do this, and keep moving forward, you find yourself thinking about the past less and less. It’s not a crime to go to the past, it’s a great look see, but don’t stay for too long. Eyes forward. So if you need to, you can…
- Change the people around you. – Not everyone in your life that you’ve ever had any kind of relationship with needs to be ‘forever.’ Some people are not meant to be with you your entire life. And this is OK. If we were meant to keep every friend we’ve ever had, Facebook wouldn’t be a thing. If you’re compromising, and continually selling yourself out in a relationship, it might be time to change the relationship. Find the people who will support you, not drain you. They ARE out there, you just have to look. Seminars, local meet – ups, and online networking are some of the many resources available to you to meet new, supporting, positive people. Take a chance (But always be careful).
- Practice Forgiveness– Note the word PRACTICE. Make it a habit, because it’s probably the most effective healing tool there is (Besides the obvious heavy hitter, love). Research and seriously seek out different WAYS to forgive if you have to, but pick one that resonates with you, and begin from there. Try to understand that you’re doing this FOR YOU and not the other person. You’re not condoning their bad behaviour, you’re just forgiving and consciously choosing to think differently about it, until it becomes a habit. When you feel angry/bitter toward someone, it’s not the other person who’s carrying the anger and bitterness like an albatross in a baby sling. It’s you. For what it’s worth, the other person is probably not aware of how you feel toward them. (If they do, and don’t do anything about it, then they REALLY need to go. See #1). Either way, YOU’RE the one who’s still carrying it around – they’re skipping off, blissfully unaware and carefree, into the sunset, with or without you. You can’t get anywhere far if you keep dragging them with you. Think about how you are denying yourself of so much happiness and keeping yourself from receiving all the good life has to offer by holding on to your grievances.
- Know there is nothing wrong with you…or them. Both of you are going through the same human experience, only with DIFFERENT sets of eyes, personal experiences, preferences, memories, values, and especially expectations, to name only a few. No ONE way is right for everyone and many times things just don’t work out – for known and unknown reasons. Don’t get caught up in over analyzing or ruminating on ‘where it/I/they went all wrong,’ take what positive you can from the situation, and move forward. Repeat: There is nothing wrong with you! (Or them, even though you really kinda want there to be at first, but that’ll go away with practice.)
Moving on is finally giving yourself peace and permission to live a good life – YOUR life.
